His presence lingers. Every single moment. And at some level, I am aware of it. I spent only 19 years with him. 19 blissful years. When I look back all I see are happy memories.
He was smiling in my mother’s arms in his final moments as we watched him helplessly. Will the void ever be filled? It’s true that you learn to value something only when you lose it. A costly lesson this, then.
He touched many lives. I feel anyone who met Pappa, respected him. Such was his demeanor and conduct. As a kid I couldn’t let my father out of my sight. As a teenager, I was scared to learn math from him. As an adolescent, I rebelled against him. But at every stage of my life when I had to make an important decision, the onus was his. “By the time you realize your father was right, you will have a son who thinks his father is wrong”, pappa used to tell me.
There were countless people who visited us when Pappa passed away. Many of them I had never seen before, paying homage to a great man, offering us their sympathies and crying their hearts out. I did not cry. Haven’t been able to,since then. That is when I realized that all those 19 years, I was what I was due to my father’s presence.It was incomprehensible to me as to what would become of me, us. Who would I go to at the crucial moments of my life when sound advice was needed? Who was going to tell me how I was going to handle professional imbroglios? Who was I going to make proud? Who was it going to be I would emulate and see them genuinely smile Just tonight as I was reading a book, I realized who was it that would take care of my nuptials and tell me how to behave during the ceremonies? I always thought that Pappa would take care of a lot of things. Everything. I anguish thinking he left me at a very crucial point of my life.I still hadn’t learned the ropes. It is easy to say that everything happens for a reason and that what happens happens for the good. But there are some losses that are invaluable and no amount of good can counter them. Yeah, we’ve moved on. Wiser, saner and more independent. But if you ask me, I would give anything to stay grounded with old times.
I miss my father. I pray for him to appear in my dreams. But then I don’t always get what I want. I know though, he is there, looking out for us, for me.
