Faith

What does having faith in someone or something mean?

Faith is my sanctum. It is my immunity against pessimism. It gives me strength and courage to face life.

I have immense faith in two things. God first ,and me second. The reasons are obvious.

I believe in God and not in a God. God to me is someone omnipotent and sagacious. His presence is ubiquitous. I believe that whatever happens is for the good. God then, is an entity who takes control of our lives by orchestrating events whose wisdom we might realize in the due course of our lives. If we scrutinize our actions and start looking at life holistically, not in bits and pieces, we will see that meaningful coincidences exist; that each event had some significance in weaving the fabric of our lives.

We are a function of our actions. Our actions are a function of either an external stimulus or our habits. How we react to a situation is entirely dependent on us and so are our habits. I cannot control how others behave, and to some extent, circumstance. So when I am not a function of circumstance and the onus of a response is entirely on me, I have no other option but to have faith in myself. To make things simple, in the realm of life where I have the power of veering its course, I ought to be the oarsman.

Coming back to the question I asked earlier. I guess all of us have faith in something. Be it a shrine or an idol or a spirit. Faith can be thought of in various contexts, the most common being religion. But I am not delving into that. I am also not talking about having faith in someone. That is a function of our naiveté or our intuition.

I am thinking about faith in terms of hope.

An optimism which keeps us sane and propels our lives.

A lifebuoy that helps you stay afloat.

Whenever something goes wrong, and sometimes bad times are protracted, it is my faith in God, and to an extent in me, that has helped me overcome them. It is not that I would pray that my troubles get over with or that I will wallow in self-pity, hoping that things will become alright. To me, that takes away time from actually trying to get on with life. It makes sense to dwell on a solution and not the problem itself. Dwelling on factuality does not change the fact itself. You simply believe that good times will come and work towards realizing them.

Faith then is an attitude. It is a frame of mind. It is an innate belief that things will go our way sooner or later. From my experience I can say that most tasks I have encountered believing they can be done, have been accomplished. When you approach something with negativity, it is never done. Pessimism is a positive feedback. You go into something believing it cannot be done, you don’t do it and it reinforces your faith that it couldn’t be done in the first place. Instead if you’d have gone into it wholeheartedly and gave it your best shot, you’d at least have had the satisfaction of being true to yourself. Not rocket science, is it? I relate the antithetical attitude to this scenario with faith.

Optimism is a strong buttress to life. It is, to me, the quintessence of a happy soul.

Ramblings

I sit here staring at the screen, trying to think about something to write. I can think of nothing. Nothing at all. I’ve collected a few ideas but I cannot gather enough thoughts to produce a decent chunk of writing. I guess I have blogger’s block. A strange ailment. Writer’s block is a serious issue because the writer’s livelihood most probably depends on it. In the case of a blog, I want to write, but I can’t think of what to blog about. A suggestion I give myself is ‘write about something you feel strongly’. Unfortunately I only feel the ground strongly beneath me. I am no geologist to comment about it now, am I? Jokes apart, really, there is not much I feel strongly about. I am laid back. It is something I’ve gotten from being a Hyderabadi. But coming back to feeling strongly about things. I cannot understand or rather cannot identify with people who take stands on various mundane things in life. I simply cannot. It sometimes scares me. But what does taking stances actually imply? To me it indicates that a person is very set in their ways, highly opinionated and plastic in thought. Being extremely laid back is not good either. You will literally get laid. Be used as a doormat. So does being ambivalent mean you are someone who is unreliable because they can change their mind? I don’t think so. It means you are a rational person who is willing to listen to others and evaluate their point of view before taking a stand. So what is it that I am getting at? I don’t know. These are random thoughts I am typing out as I watch CSI on TV. A pathetic show, I must say. But I will not argue with you if you said you liked it. In the last two weeks India lost all their ODIs to SA. A pathetic show they put up. I wonder how tired Dravid must be from repeating all the lies like ‘we had a lot to learn from this game’ or ‘there were a number of positives we can take from this game’ et al. What a bunch of bullshit. Poor guy can’t even say that none of his boys have the fire in the belly to go out there and fight for a victory. He simply cannot. Greg Chappel’s made the entire team into some kind of a corporate set up. For God’s sake Greg! It is a game and it has to be played like one. You are making it monkey business. But I have a lot of faith in the men in blue. Salvation lies in breaking the Dravid- Chappell combination. Great mind thinks alike and that is precisely why they need to be separated. Because it leads to a stagnation of thought. I don’t think anyone apart from Sachin, Kumble and Dravid even follow the coach’s ideas. It is here that someone needs to take a stand!

On a musical note, the music of Guru rocks. Waah Guru Waah. ARR rocks. Jaage Hain and Barso Re reflect his pure genius. He finally uses Shreya Ghoshal : emphatically. Her voice modulations are fantastic. Jaage hain is sheer genius. Starting off with chitra’s crystal clear voice, the song goes through 4 octaves. As is his wont, ARR sings the best songs himself. He has a slight nasal tone in this album, which adds to the rustic feel of the period film. Maan gaye Guru.

I watched stranger than fiction. It was a very nice movie. A good story line, a subdued Will Farrell ,and fine acting make it a good watch. I have decided to buy the DVD of this film. That’s how much I liked it.

I worked all weekend. Rather , I spent time in the lab helping others out. I worked because I am going on vacation later this month and frankly, I was getting bored at home.

I have a tendon injury and can’t run for a few days. That’s really frustrating. And now I am running out of ideas to write about. There is a mental sluggishness arising from a lack of exercise.

I am reading 4 books now. (multitasking is one of my assets).

Tuesdays with Morrie : overrated

Life of Pi: Brilliant

100 years of solitude: Good but an awesome soporific

Talk to the hand: Rubbish, incoherent blabber.

That’s my spiel, my ramblings about the last few days.

It is now time for me to hit the sack. A new week is about to begin.

Mystery solved

Q)What came first, the hen or the egg?

Ans ) Neither. The Rooster had to come first!!

Take this

Some people say I am very funny
Yet others say I am punny
Doesn’t being the latter make you the former?
Duh! People have no idea about humor.

Some find my comments too caustic
I agree. I am sarcastic.
But since the brain’s plastic
And if u can’t take it, please adjust your elastic.

They say I am obsessed with myself
“He can’t stop talking about Himself”
Call it what you want, narcissism or conceit
I don’t give a rat’s ass about your bleat.

They say I’m too arrogant
Idiots. They are plain ignorant.
I am not self-effacing or a personification of comeliness
And it really shouldn’t be any of your effing business.

Others still find me to be awesome
That’s because (duh!) I am pretty winsome.
And if I don’t end and continue to make this blog to be more noisome
It definitely ain’t gonna make me achieve stardom!

Angrez chale gaye...

It is hard to believe that I no longer think in my mother tongue. It’s been a long time since I’ve thought in Hindi. My thoughts are always in English. I sometimes keep looking for English analogues of Hindi words. It’s that ingrained now. Angrez chale gaye, angrezi chod gaye. Saale. Although I’m comfortable speaking three languages, since I am living in the USA , English dominates the day’s vocals. But what is amazing is that when I speak to friends from home or Indians here, I switch effortlessly and inadvertently between Hindi, English and Telugu. Our brain’s are marvelous polyglots. What do I call it? Hintel (like the super-processor Intel) or Tinglish (ouch! That combo hurt…O.U days!) or shinglish?( Yeah, that really hurt…the ears). Never mind. That’s digressing too much.

I am simply amazed at how much the language has pervaded our lives. We talk and think in English, all the literature we read is in English ( Oh come on guys, how many have you actually read Malayalam [ a palindrome,incidentally] or Urdu or whateverurMTis novels or newspapers etc? ) , puzzles we solve are in English ( yeah, not math puzzles, but we still use the 1s 2s etc and not numbers in our vernacular) , blogs we read are in English etc. We even pun in English.

I personally think I articulate better in English because my vocabulary of any other language is not as extensive. Although that is hard for firangs to believe. I have been complemented by people on my good English speaking skills. Hah!. I am surprised to see people (whose native language is English) surprised when foreigners speak and understand the language better than them. If there is anything that is shocking is the way the firings murder Indian names. Poor Dixits. I guess I would be shocked too if I heard George Bush beat Vaajpaaye at a Hindi elocution contest but that’s not going to happen. Not in eternity. But since English is a universal language (the Brits left no stone unturned, you see) why is it surprising that we speak the language better than most other people? It has all got to do with adapting to the new and alien. No wonder we are the largest ethnic group of immigrunts! And of course our intellectual superiority (think of Aryabhatta and not Mohammed Bin Tughlaq) helps us. Where we falter is that we get a unique accent in the picture. The other day my friend was talking about watching a Gujrati Rape video in public. I was appalled. He meant a Gujrati RAP song! At the grocery store, the Mallu owner did not understand I wanted honey until I told him HEN-NEY. (No guys, he was not cocky and definitely not a pheno menon) and then Chicago becomes chi (as is chit) cago.

But I guess denizens of vitreous edifices must not hurl petrous projectiles at others. So I will terminate the blog. Fancy English! Supererogatory, lagniappe. I know.

( Aashcharyajanak baat yeh hain ki hum gaali avashya hindi mein dete hain )

Guess who?

Life’s a drone
And my best friend doesn’t answer her phone!
Where art thou, (talking to the recorded voice)
I ask in an exasperated tone.
And suddenly I reflect upon the fact
That how much we’ve grown
Since 4 years ago, the seeds of friendship had been sown.
(There were three of us, actually, like a trikone)

She is bubbly, vivacious and confident
But at times, a little adamant
her laughter is infectious
No wonder her fervor is contagious!
She is also very persevering
A quality which, as a researcher, makes her very endearing

I admire her outlook towards life
A no-nonsense, take it as it comes approach and no strife.
Her anger is ephemeral
As much as she is spiritual.
Very straight forward and looks you in the eye
Her warmth very comforting; and I know she will never leave me high and dry.

Oh well no one is perfect
She has what one would call in singular, a defect!
She does get impulsive
But that does not make her repulsive!!
On the contrary, it is her ruthlessness and clinical approach to things
That has led her to bigger and better winnings.

Of all her qualities that are Laudable
It is her Assertiveness that is indispensable.
Her Vivaciousness has already been alluded to
Exuberance and EQ almost complete the milieu.
Oh! I forgot Trustworthy and probably naïve at times
I thank God for our Adorable friendship and hope that this rhymes!

M(y)usings

Life is about:

Realizing that pain and hurt are natural and we take our own time to heal.

Realizing that there is no shame in crying or being expressive about our emotions.

Realizing that the adage ‘no gain without pain’ is just that; an adage.

Realizing that inspite of your goodness, people will remain selfish, but you have to remain good.

Realizing that appreciation is important but you don’t stop doing things in its absence.

Realizing that a good friend is incomparable to any other asset.

Realizing that family are the people who will care for you inspite of your true self.

Realizing that being one’s own critic is great, but not overdoing it is vital.

Realizing that being a good listener is great but to find someone who will listen to you is a greater need.

Realizing that people will, being egocentric, not think twice before hurting you and discredit all your sacrifices. But we have to be forgiving and move on.

Realizing that the voice of your closest friend might not always cheer you up but will definitely assure you.

Realizing that your best friend might hurt you, unwittingly, but has your best interests at heart and will never hesitate to give you a piece of their mind

Realizing that trusting others is nice, but being prepared for a breach is our responsibility

Realizing that blindly supporting a loved one is a confidence booster, but also fosters mistrust

Realizing that good times exist solely because we’ve experienced bad times. It is important to cherish the good days and battle the bad ones.

Realizing that one’s values are not invaluable to others. It is up to us to honor them and protect them

Realizing that asking questions is the best way to learn.

Realizing that everything comes a full circle

Realizing that every small action counts

Realizing that you don’t always get what you want. There is something bigger than wanting and that is giving; selflessly

Realizing that feeling happy is totally up to us and that success is just a frame of mind

Realizing that catharsis is important. (through blogging?)

Questions, Multifarious

Where are we, human beings as a race, heading to? Agree with me or not, all of us are solipsistic. Perhaps not in all walks of life, but many facets of our existence subscribe to our solipsistic outlook. Humans have the sharpest cognitive faculty on earth. We are, in essence, the supreme animals of the planet. But what good has this evolution done to us? We (people who are reading this blog) strive to live a decent life. We are so absorbed in our pursuits in life that have we ever wondered why we are doing what we are doing. Intellectual gratification, one might say. So what? We achieve our present goals, and then what? We’ll have newer responsibilities and newer goals. How long will this go on? What is the end result of this? I had a wonderful family re-union last week. I yearn for those times now. So why did I leave my home in the first place? Why do we have to lead a life which prevents us from living as nature intended us to? In order to enjoy the good times, you need to have bad times and to relax, you need to be stressed, one will say. Why do we even need to be hedonistic in the first place?

What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.?

What I fail to understand is that where are our intellectual pursuits leading us to. Weren’t we meant to live gregariously? This whole advent of technology, a outcome of our brilliant minds, has only succeeded in alienating us. Do I really need e-mail or orkut or IM to stay in touch with someone? All day long we work assiduously only to be yearning for the weekends. And when the weekend arrives, we complain about how TV is so boring and how expensive the cinemas are and how no good movies are being made. Why do we need to always keep doing something? Why is it so difficult to give oneself company or to seek company of others? Why do so many social barriers, taboos and stigmas arise? The whole issue of solipsism and intellectual superiority comes into picture here. Have you ever wondered how animals live their lives? They have only two basic instincts: procreation and survival. And yeah they are dumb right? So what? I think animals are much happier. I’ve never seen them take medication for depression or brood over boring TV or downed servers or internet non-connectivity. What good are we to this earth when we are only destroying the ecosystem, breeding all over the place and usurping other species’ habitats and driving them to extinction? Is our being extant so important when we are only distancing ourselves from each other?

So are we a function of our cognitive acumen or masters of our own minds? I think we are intellectually damned. Please don’t mistake me. I love what I am doing. But I keep wondering about one thing. Why. The reason for our existence has been pondered since eons. That is not what I am interested in nor am I wasting time worrying about it. We are here and so what about it? Did nature intend that we decimate its secrets? I guess not. But still, what after we do that? Will we, being omnipotent, fight amongst ourselves and drive ourselves to extinction? By becoming immortal, what will we pursue next?

It all comes back to running in circles. What goes round will come around. Sang-froid. Cacophony. A vicious circle then, my nihilism.

Re-verse

I’m as old as a log,
And I guess I need to add some spice to my blog.
Not that this style will stick,
Cos I don’t want people not to click.
But anyways, getting to the point,
(I hope this is not a pain in the joint).
I had one of the most awesome birthday’s ever,
Thanks to a few people, friends, family and lovely weather.
Talking of family, my sister was here and so were my uncle and aunt
Making the day special. And including me and her, all of us Bon vivant.
But the icing on the cake (I cut a organic, carrot cake),
Was this cute little babe (and incidentally, our legs we did shake!).
We had a so much fun going tipsy,
Drinking wine surreptitiously.
Just having her around was so sweet (a)
Viva…. La vi(s)ta!!!
Well the previous two lines are specific to the Atlanta topography
So don’t try and break your head over non-existent cryptography!
So in -toto, this was the best b-day ever with drink, dance, gifts and phone calls galore,
With numerous phone calls and people visiting from Argonne and Bangalore!
Alright, alright .Ugh. I will end this verse,
Before I go from the sublime to the worse.

A hasty blog

I’m so happy right now. I had the most fantastic conversation with one of my closest friends. And I am meeting her in 15 hours! Can’t wait for that to happen. And what’s more…I’m gonna meet my sister too! Spending my birthday with people I care about the most is the best thing that has happened to me since I’ve been away from home.

I’m too excited to blog I guess. Can’t wait for 5 am.

Del(h)i

My friend was reporting to the supervisor (a desi) on his first day at work in a food-court.

Supervisor: Do you know deli?. ( Well !)
My friend: No. I am from Gujrat. Ahmedabad.

On par: Don

I watched Don. Finally. What a movie!! SRK rocks. Agreed, the plot has a few fallacies and that the entire Jasjit sequence could be done without and that Karreina was inadequate in comparison with Helen and that the choreography lacked imagination and rhythm and that SRK hams as Vijay and that Om Puri is wasted. Agreed. But all of it con’don’ed. For two reasons: SRK and Farhan’s style. SRK as Don is fantastic and Farhan’s attention to detail and story telling are fantastic. FA tackles the Indian censor and SRKs smoking habits very ingeniously. (You gotta watch it guys). The story is very different from the old Don and frankly, it is unwise to compare the two versions. Don’t do it. Amitabh’s portrayal was a revelation in those times. SRKs portrayal of Don is very different and accordingly apt. The twists in the plot are quite good too. We all have to remember that this is just an adaptation of the older version. That movie was very slick, anachronistic, and had characters which were very unorthodox for Indian cinema. Don 2 is pretty unorthodox too for several reasons too: it is a smart commercial film; the attention to detail (Don having manicured nails and Vijay having callused hands etc) is immaculate; not much sentiment; apt use of technology and not an overdose of it; clean, subtle humor et al, unlike most commercial Hindi cinema.

The Donnas in the movie are ok too. If all of us are fed up of SRKs hamming as a lover boy a’don’is, lets par’don’ him. He is phenomenal in portraying negative characters. So I recommend you guys to watch it. Probably at the risk of being hedonistic.

I toast some char’don’nay to don.

Me, myself and I

My house is a hub of activity. The monthly cleaning is going on. I vacuumed the rooms this month. I am done but my roommates aren’t. ARR is playing in the background and is quite audible since the whirring sound of the vacuum ain’t there anymore. Admist all this cacophony, I am alone. Lost in my thoughts. Quite incredible is the fact that I am aware of all that is happening around me but still can think with pellucid clarity. Once again, the thoughts revolve around me and my microcosmic world. How lost we are in it’s intricacies and paths. And all of them are structured by us. What a feeling it must be to be unfettered from our own thoughts. (On a lighter note, no wonder it is called the ‘chain of thought’). Sometimes when I am concentrating on a deadline or am running, I reach that state. This selfishness/egotism/egocentrism of thought is so binding. Makes me cynical at times. Aloof, detached.

Where is all this introspection leading to? I am yet to discover what really makes me happy. Apart from my self-gratifying actions.

On the run

I started running in May this year. I started out by running half a mile. Increased it to a mile and then one day ,out of the blue, I was inspired. I ran 2 miles straight. No stopping, slowing down or walking in between. That was exhilarating. I was off and running!

I run religiously: Of late. It is not as if I gallop. It is a slow gentle run. But all the same, it leaves me breathless. But this blog is not about how much I run or how fast I run. It is about the challenges of a run and I will run a few thoughts by you. I realized that running along the sidewalks is better than running on the circular track. On the track, you count every lap you’ve completed and as the number gets bigger, mentally, you start tiring. On the road, it’s a totally different scenario. You keep running until you can’t run anymore. Being used to googling stuff, I, to satisfy my ego, google-mapped the distance from home to the usual running path I take. It was 4 miles, to and fro. That was it. From the next day, the run became a daunting task.

So for me, and I guess most people who are new to the activity, it is more mental than physical. I don’t run on the roads anymore because my knee hurts from the cemented sidewalks.Plus, you might be run-down by a fast moving vehicle. Hence I’m back to circle one- the track. Every time that I run, it is one more mental battle to win. The body says yes. The mind says no. I love the talks I have with myself during the run. I dare myself to do it. Most times I do win. But the days I give in to my psychosomatic pains, I feel miserable. Then starts the whole self-convincing cycle. I know I’m fooling no one else but me.

So I think, am I running away from myself? That thought makes my blood run cold. Why would I do that? Isn’t life all about being comfortable with yourself?

So I wonder why I am sticking to running, something I hated before and thought I couldn’t do? I get the runaround every time I ask myself that question. Or is it that I get a lot of answers? So I’ve decided to hit the ground running and settle it once and for all. I guess I run because it is a mental block I need to get past every time I do it. That is the challenge for me and even though it should’ve been run-of-the mill stuff for me, the cold weather and my lethargy are formidable opponents. Besides, it clears my mind. All I think about is convincing myself that I can do it. Plus, it is good in the long run. And running on the track won’t hurt my knees. Oh! the reasons can run-on for ever!

I sometimes wonder why I’m running round in circles!

Pappa

His presence lingers. Every single moment. And at some level, I am aware of it. I spent only 19 years with him. 19 blissful years. When I look back all I see are happy memories.

He was smiling in my mother’s arms in his final moments as we watched him helplessly. Will the void ever be filled? It’s true that you learn to value something only when you lose it. A costly lesson this, then.

He touched many lives. I feel anyone who met Pappa, respected him. Such was his demeanor and conduct. As a kid I couldn’t let my father out of my sight. As a teenager, I was scared to learn math from him. As an adolescent, I rebelled against him. But at every stage of my life when I had to make an important decision, the onus was his. “By the time you realize your father was right, you will have a son who thinks his father is wrong”, pappa used to tell me.

There were countless people who visited us when Pappa passed away. Many of them I had never seen before, paying homage to a great man, offering us their sympathies and crying their hearts out. I did not cry. Haven’t been able to,since then. That is when I realized that all those 19 years, I was what I was due to my father’s presence.It was incomprehensible to me as to what would become of me, us. Who would I go to at the crucial moments of my life when sound advice was needed? Who was going to tell me how I was going to handle professional imbroglios? Who was I going to make proud? Who was it going to be I would emulate and see them genuinely smile Just tonight as I was reading a book, I realized who was it that would take care of my nuptials and tell me how to behave during the ceremonies? I always thought that Pappa would take care of a lot of things. Everything. I anguish thinking he left me at a very crucial point of my life.I still hadn’t learned the ropes. It is easy to say that everything happens for a reason and that what happens happens for the good. But there are some losses that are invaluable and no amount of good can counter them. Yeah, we’ve moved on. Wiser, saner and more independent. But if you ask me, I would give anything to stay grounded with old times.

I miss my father. I pray for him to appear in my dreams. But then I don’t always get what I want. I know though, he is there, looking out for us, for me.

I finally finished writing an abstract for a conference today. It was pretty straight forward though. Wonder why they call it 'abstract' . Guess scientists want to feel special.

So I was done for the day and I decided to blog.

I hope people (d)read it!!